I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night. The wife said, “You've never held the door open for me.” I said, “What about the f*cking time you threatened to leave?”
You sit upon the toilet With everything prepared You're feeling quite excited but A little bloody scared! That huge amount of Christmas nosh Has turned into a log And now the fateful time has come To flush it down the bog! But first you must expel the beast And so you start to strain, You bite down on a piece of wood To take away the pain But oh my god, its bloody huge It's like you're giving birth! You sweat and push and swear and shake and strain for all your worth. And then that magic moment comes, That fills your soul with cheer, A turd the size of King Kongs arm Emerges from your rear. And like a bomb it hits the pan Thus lightening your mood, And making room inside your guts For lots more Christmas food!
I'm in big trouble with my wife. She asked me where was I taking her for Christmas. Apparently "Over the coffee table" was not what she wanted to hear.
To stop anymore gossip I will tell you myself, yes I did get arrested for assault on new years eve, but, in my defence it was nearly midnight and if you were stood next to a Muslim with a rucksack shouting "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, wouldn't you have chinned the ****er too?
