Will miss my dad this Christmas. I know he'll be up there, looking down at us all. Moaning about the broken stairlift…
I was shopping in town today and stopped a woman in the street. "Excuse me love....., have you any idea where I can get a decent jumper??" "Have you tried Fat Face??"... she replied. "Good idea..," I said. "Do you know anywhere??".... I said, turning to my wife please log in to view this image please log in to view this image
I was at my mate Dave's wedding and got chatting to a woman. I said to her "And what do you do?" She said "I'm a head teacher." I replied "Could you teach my girlfriend - She's awful at it......"
Chief ,Sitting Bull, and his 5 squaws, and 7 braves go to a restaurant ,and go straight in . The girl on the desks shouts out "You can't go in there ,unless you have a reservation "
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” “I don’t think you’re crazy,” he replied, “I like sausages as well.” “Really?” I said, “You should come over to my house and see my collection.”
Went out to dinner last night. The waiter comes over to our table and says " For starters we have Badger Soup, followed by Badger Roast ,and finishing with Badger Mousse". I said "Is there anything else to eat apart from Badger?" The waiter said, "No, It's a sett menu..."
I went to buy a lottery ticket for myself, and one for my dog. The girl said "Your dog can't buy one" "Yes he can" I told her, "the advert says players must be 18,or Rover"
The man who invented the automatic tennis ball serving machine, is celebrating his birthday. Many happy returns!
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series Of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. ...A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing , and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the s*it out of a ghost."
