An ex service man is confessing to his son...'i don't like admitting this son,but I killed 20 people in iraq' Son replies 'but dad weren't you an helicopter mechanic' 'i was son,but I never said I was any good'
Be careful today #snow It snowed last night... 8:00 am - I made a snowman. 8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. By noon it all melted Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Luther, what exactly is your problem?” Luther answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!” Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Luther to the principal's office. While he waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Luther was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Luther: “9.” Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Luther: “36.” And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Luther can go to the 3rd grade.” But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.” The principal and Luther both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Luther, after a moment: “Legs.” Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Luther replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief….. Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Luther: “Pants.” By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Luther replied, “Bubble gum.” Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?” Luther: “Shake hands.” The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question. Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?” Luther: "Firetruck.” The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”
Re the above, my wife just saw it over my shoulder and advised me no pain would be felt in my case. I ‘think’ she meant I am not stupid…….
Thought for the day... I've never wanted to kill anyone, but I've read the obituary notices with great satisfaction
The wife said I'm quite controlling and I was a bit upset with that because it wasn't her turn to speak
My girlfriend says she is leaving me because of my obsession with names of supermarkets. "Wait......... Rose" I said.
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home. 1st kid says "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful." 2nd kid says "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says: " At my house we don't need anything." The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Scouser, I remember dad saying,"Well, that's the last f...ing thing we need!!!"
