What do you call an American criminal financier who set fire to all his files then scarpered ... ... Bernie Madoff
My wife came upstairs to find me in an "intimate" position with another woman. A huge argument ensued and she started hitting me and slapping me. In self defense I tried to restrain her but she tripped and fell down the stairs. God knows what the other passengers on the bus must have thought.
My wife refuses to have sex with me when I'm p*ssed.... which is exactly the reason I've stayed p*ssed for the last 2 years.
For those of you wondering what it's like to be married... I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
DRINKING AND DRIVING!!!!! I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several bottles of beer a few JD and cokes and a few Bombs. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. Anyway...I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a Police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realised how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi. This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!
The downside of having a son who is a Bomb Disposal Expert is . . . . it took him nine hours to open his Christmas presents last year !
Prince Charming dies, and because of a few dodgy deals leaves Cinderella penniless, and she had to move back in with her ugly sisters. Seeing that Cinderella was depressed the Fairy Godmother pays her a visit and gives her 3 wishes to cheer her up. The Fairy Godmother asked "What would you like for your first wish ?" and Cinderella replied "I would like enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life". "Done" said the Fairy Godmother. "What about the second wish ?" Cinderella replied "I would like a nice house." and they are suddenly standing in a beautiful new house. The Fairy Godmother then asked about her 3rd wish, and Cinderella, noticing her cat, Tom, laying on the sofa said "I would like my cat to become a handsome man and we fall in love instantly." The next thing you know, Tom is a handsome man sitting on the sofa next to her. Cinderella thanked the Fairy Godmother as she left and sat next to Tom. They gazed lovingly into each other's eyes when Tom leaned over and gently whispered into her ear "I bet you wish that you hadn't had my balls cut off now."
