I gave my watch and my wallet to a homeless guy today. You can't imagine how good it made me feel when he put the knife away. I got sacked from my job at the zoo today all because I left the gate to the lions' den open. Sh*t, who was going to steal a lion?
Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man. "Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clich� for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light.", he said. Turning to the fourth man, a Welsh guy, he posed the same question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is Diarrhoea," said Taffy. "What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh, I can explain," said Taffy, "You see, The other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think, blink,or turn on the light, I $hit my pants." He got the job...........
A Chinese man was sitting at the bar when a Jewish man comes up and punches him in the nose. He grabs his nose and says, “What was that for?” The Jewish man says, “That’s for Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man exclaims, “Pearl Harbor?!? I’m Chinese! That was the Japanese!” To which the Jewish man replies, “Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese…they’re all the same.” The Chinese man sits at the bar getting angrier and angrier. Finally, he can take no more and goes and punches the Jewish man in his nose and says, “That’s for the Titanic!” The Jewish man is puzzled. “The Titanic?!?” “Goldberg, Steinberg, Iceberg…they’re all the same!” Replies the Chinese man.
After many years of dreaming, saving, and planning, a married couple make a trip to the Holy Land, bringing the wife’s mother along. While they are there, the mother dies. The wife being very distraught, the husband steps forward to make arrangements. At the U.S. Conciliate he is told, “Transporting the remains back the States is complicated and expensive. I’m afraid the whole process is going to cost about $50,000. However, there is an alternative. We can arrange to have your departed buried right here. As a curtesy to international relations, it can be done at no cost.” The man thinks this through and says, “We’ll take her back. Let’s get going on the paperwork.” The representative answered, “I don’t think you understand. We can lay her to rest HERE, in the HOLY LAND, for FREE.” The man answered, “What I understand is that 2,000 years ago you buried a man here, and three days later he came right back up again. I’m not taking the chance of that happening with my mother-in-law. Let’s get going on the paperwork. I brought my own pen.”
Arctic weather brings London and the south of England to a standstill, meanwhile up north we put a long sleeve shirt on ... please log in to view this image
