Margaret and Bert, a spunky older couple, had just moved to Texas, where everything—including dreams of becoming a cowboy—was bigger. Bert had always fancied himself as a bit of a cowboy, so when he spotted a pair of authentic boots on sale, he couldn’t resist. He strutted home, wearing them proudly, his face beaming. He sauntered into the kitchen where Margaret was making tea. “Notice anything different about me?” he asked, puffing out his chest. Margaret looked him over, unimpressed. “Nope,” she replied, barely glancing up. Bert, not one to give up easily, stormed off to the bathroom, ditched everything but his boots, and returned, hands on his hips, completely naked but for his prized footwear. “Well? Notice *anything* different now?” he asked, striking a pose. Margaret glanced up, squinting a little. “Bert,” she said with a sigh, “if it’s drooping today, it was drooping yesterday, and it'll be drooping again tomorrow.” Bert, fuming, bellowed, “Do you know why it’s drooping, Margaret?” “Can’t say I do,” she replied. “It’s drooping because it’s STARING at my new boots!” he huffed. Without missing a beat, Margaret deadpanned, “Should’ve bought a hat, Bert. Should’ve bought a hat.”
A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday. At the club, the doorman says, Hi Jim, how are you? The wife asks, How does he know you? Jim says, Oh dear, I play football with him. Inside the Bartender Says, The Usual, Jim? Jim says to Wife, Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team. Next a stripper Says, Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again? The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time... Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!
I once worked with a lad who was staggeringly stupid, every day was one idiotic statement after another. He never hesitated to give his opinion and automatically thought everyone was wrong ... ... we thought he was the daft one but was paid the same as the rest of us and shared the bonus
This morning I was watching a young lady struggling to back up her car so I offered to help. "F*ck off!" she yelled, "I can do it myself." "Please,I insist" I said, "This is my house and my f*cking living room."
My wife phoned me, panting and breathless. "Where are you?" she moaned. "I'm at the pub." I replied. She said, "I think the baby's coming!" I said, "She won't get in, she's under-age."
I said to my wife, "I'm getting you something small for xmas." She said, "Is it underwear?" I said, "Are you deaf? I said something small!"
I asked my son why he wants to marry so young. He said it's so he can have sex whenever he feels like it... Boy is he in for quite a surprise.
