You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders she probably likes you.
I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came up to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners." I didn't realise at the time but apparently, it was my complimentary nan.
IKEA's football team is playing this afternoon. The manager, Alan Key is expected to line-up with a flatpack four.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice. "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're playing on Saturday."
I've just finished decorating my front door ready for Thursday evening. please log in to view this image
I was sitting opposite a woman breastfeeding in the park earlier and got quite turned on. She asked me if I fancied doing it and I rushed at the chance. After a couple of minutes sucking her breast she was obviously getting quite horny and said to me "Is there anything else you'd like?" I said "bloody hell, You haven't got a Farley's rusk too , have you?"
