Diane Abbot asked Nigel Farage as its nearly christmas would you kiss me under the mistletoe ? He replied, I wouldn't kiss you under fecking general anaesthetic.
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. 'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner. 'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.' The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?' 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.' 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector. 'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
If a long condom goes on a long prick and a short condom goes on a short prick, what do you put on a thick prick? A Liverpool shirt.
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That"s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That"s no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That"s no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That"s no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THE SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Two lads met up in a bar one evening after not seeing each other for some time. After they'd finished their first drinks, one of them said “My round.” so he went up to the bar, and the barmaid (a rather buxom young lady) was serving another customer. The lad couldn't help staring at her tits, then after a couple of minutes the barmaid came over to him and said “What can I get you, sir ?” The lad said “I'd like two pints of tits, please . . . . oh, I'm sorry, I meant two pints of Tennents.” The barmaid never blinked an eye, brought over the drinks and took the money. The lad went and sat down at the table with the drinks, and his mate looked at him and said “You look a bit flushed . . . . are you feeling all right ?” The lad said “A bit flushed ? I've never been so embarrassed in all my life. The barmaid's got a great pair of knockers and when she asked me what I wanted to drink, I accidentally asked her for two pints of tits instead of two pints of Tennents.” His mate replied “I know exactly how you feel . . . . the same thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago when I was sitting having breakfast with my wife. I meant to ask her to pass me the sugar, but I ended up saying “You've made my life a misery, you ugly, fat bastard.”
