This kid looks more like Ed Sheeran than Ed Sheeran does. please log in to view this image please log in to view this image
BBC breaking news: Women can now serve in ALL roles in the Armed Forces. In other news, all reverse gears from British tanks have been removed.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders she probably likes you.
A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball... The bartender agrees The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it The bartender angrily gives the man his money The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind The man pulls out his dentures and lightly chomps them on his other eyeball The bartender is fuming, but gives the man his money The man then orders a beer, and walks away The man walks back, and bets the bartender $1000 that he can piss directly into a shot glass while running, with 2 attempts The bartender knows for a fact that this is impossible, and agrees to the bet On attempt 1, the man gets piss everywhere, and none in the shot glass The bartender smirks, with high hopes On attempt 2, the man once again pisses everywhere in the bar, except for the glass The bartender jumps up and down in excitement, knowing that he has won Then another man in the corner of the bar screams '****' When the bartender asks what the problem is, the man says, "That asshole just bet me $10,000 that he could piss all over the bar, and that you would be happy"
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber... He awoke before the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never,"said Ralph. "Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell... "RALPH WAKE UP. YOU'RE ****TING THE BED!"
I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came up to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners." I didn't realise at the time but apparently, it was my complimentary nan.
IKEA's football team is playing this afternoon. The manager, Alan Key is expected to line-up with a flatpack four.
