I was on the toilet straining really hard when suddenly there was a loud pop and everything went dark. "Honey are you ok?" "There's been power cut" "Thank Christ for that" "I thought my ****ing eyeballs had burst".
A guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, “Betsy. She’s down the hall, last door on the left.” The guy walks down, sees Betsy — she’s not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his dick — like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?” Betsy crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time. The guy puts it back in and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, “oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??” Betsy smiles, and says, “for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs.”
I know another oldun. Still funny tho. I saw a homeless junkie sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning. Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you." "No problem." I smiled. He looked at me again and said, "It's empty." I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."
In Finland when a baby is born you just throw a bunch of magnetic letters at the fridge and that's its name.
TOOLS EXPLAINED PILLAR DRILL : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t' PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. MOLE GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your workshop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.. HYDRAULIC JACK : Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most people to cut good metal sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to butcher Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: See Screwdriver HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of parcels delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. ADJUSTABLE SPANNER aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as one size fits all, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in injury ,swearing and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity. BASTARD TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling BASTARD at the top of your voice . It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist." "A what?" asked the builder. "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" the builder replied. "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house." "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly. "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children." "Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often." "Never!" the builder exclaimed. "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!" The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?" "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist." "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied his mate. "Well, you're a ****er then!"
I said to my wife last night, "I fancy a takeaway." She said, "Are you talking Chinese?" I said, "No, did it sound Chinese?"
I went to an archaeology party in Devon at the weekend.. They were excavating and searching for a lower leg . . . . it was quite a shindig !
I set up a nice little pet shop selling lizards, geckos, snakes and what have you. Some were a bit highly strung and didn't settle in their new homes. One day Boy George came in asking to exchange the aggressive little lizard he'd bought. When I asked what he wanted he said just a calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon
