I was out drinking with my mates at a party, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife. Is she f*cking insecure or what? That's an average of 6 calls a day.
I can't wait to see the look on the children's faces on Christmas day, they'll be able to look at everything they've always wanted, I've got them an Argos catalogue
My missus said to me on our 40th wedding anniversary, "I'd sure like you to do what you did on our wedding day. " "I won't be able to, " I replied, "that bridesmaid died last year. "
Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse", he mumbles. "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises how gown, holds his pen*s in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. "Are my TEST-RESULTS BACK?
