John Mousinho (Pompey manager) has been caught driving through Portsmouth at 90mph by the old bill. When questioned he said that he would do anything for 3 points at the moment.
Oldie but goodie. The wife said to me today, "You never look at me any more." I said, "Yes I do." She said, "Tell me then, what's different today?" "You've had a haircut," I replied. "No!" she said. I tried again, New shoes! Again, No. Erm,You've lost weight! She said "See I told you." " Ah yes a new dress!" I cried. "No, I told you, you never look at me." " O.K. you win. What is it? I said. She sobbed and said, "I'm wearing a f*cking gas mask."
Me and my wife were both a bit worse for wear last night when she said, "Ive got a surprise for you..." A few moments later she emerged from the bathroom, naked, "Fancy trying some anal?" She asked seductively. "No, thanks," I replied, "I'm not that drunk." "Suit yourself." She said as she waddled back out with her 12 inch strap on.