I was walking along the road on a thick foggy day thumbing a lift when this car suddenly pulled up. I got in and went to thank the driver but there isn't a driver. We were driving along for a while and I noticed a bend. Crapping myself I thought how are we going to get round there? When all of a sudden a ghostly pair of hands grabbed the steering wheel and got us around the bend. When the car finally stopped I got out and saw another man standing there. I said "I wouldn't get in there if I were you there is something wrong with it." The man said " Yer telling me. I've been pushing that bastard for 5 miles."
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, "Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?" The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order. The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves. The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons. The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out. By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation. The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits. On the fourth night, there's standing room only. People have traveled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest. The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year. But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender's face falls. "I'm sorry, my friend," he says, "but we're all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties." The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop. The bartender nervously offers, "But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you'll love it." The rabbit eyes him carefully. "Are you sure?" he asks. With a grin, the bartender replies, "I wouldn't steer you wrong. Trust me, you'll love it." "Alright," says the rabbit, "I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie." The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves... never to return. A year later, the pub is in decline. The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders. As he's cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar. "Who are you?" he asks. "I'm the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub," comes the reply. The bartender's eyes widen. "I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you'd come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you." "Yes," the rabbit says. "But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead." "That's right," the bartender recalls. "But then you never came back. What happened?" "I died," says the rabbit. The bartender gasps. "No! How?" The rabbit pauses before replying, "Mixin' me toasties."
I read the first line and I thought I know this one. Scrolled down to the end and I did. That saved me about a hour not having to read all that.
Why do men go for these long, long lead-ins to the punchline. Genuine question, not a criticism. No woman I know would recite such a long joke…we’d look at her like she was crazy if she did.
Just wondering if anyone else has ever travelled to a different place to where they thought they were going....I once thought I was on a plane to Scotland but arrived in Malta!
My brother went sailing once with some friends and they told him they were going to Jersey. Still to this day he has never been to Jersey. He did spend 4 days at Guernsey port though. When ashore he wondered why there was so much tourist stuff mentioning Guernsey and they told him ‘oh that is just general Channel island stuff’
A fair few railway stations had to be renamed years ago for that reason. For example Soldiers would turn up at Brockenhurst in the New Forest when they needed Brockhurst between Fareham and Gosport. Brockhurst was renamed Fort Brockhurst. On the Somerset and Dorset line you had Sturminster Newton and Sturminster Marshall .Sturminster Marshall became Bailey Gate. Iam pretty sure there were many more.
A friend of my wife had planned to visit a cousin of hers, who lived in Sweden, so she booked flights, then, just before she was due to travel, she realised that she'd booked flights to Switzerland, rather than Sweden (they start with the same two letters, so she was nearly right). Eventually, she flew to Switzerland, spent a week there, despite not knowing anyone, or having any accommodation booked, and she is now re-planning a trip to Sweden. She'll probably end up in Swaziland
Americans are shocked that the UK version of TV show Dating Naked has chosen not to blur anyone's private parts, but we’re getting used to seeing unconstrained bellends on British TV. The new full Monty. please log in to view this image
