Joke Competition Wednesday!

I used to collect and restore tractors, every day I'd be out and about on my tractor, I loved everything about them, but one day I decided to do something useful with my life so became a fireman.

The first housefire I went to was awful, a whole house consumed by smoke and flames and a young woman crying for help upstairs. I rushed upstairs and found the room she was in but couldn't see her for smoke so without hesitation I sucked in as much as I could until my lungs were full and exhaled out the window, I saw her in the corner so I grabbed her and took her outside.

"That was amazing!" she said. "How did you do that!?"

"Oh, that was easy" I replied...

"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

 

Have you got the kids name? I'll report him to the RSPCA.

 

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car?











"Robin, get in the car."

 

What's the difference between hard and light?

You can go to sleep with a light on.

 

Three old guys are out for walk. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

 

Been on here before but always good for a laugh.

Steve Bruce was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” to which the old lady replied, “no way, you got yourself into this mess, don’t ask me to sort it out!

 

An egg and a chicken are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking.

The egg says "I guess that answers the question".

 

?

 

Nice one OT.

 

C*nt being the universal name for that part of the female anatomy, in olden days referred to as the hole.


I apologise for forgetting not eveyone's as old as me on here.

 

taxi!

 

Tarzan says " No....your whole name "

 

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?















Dr. Dre

 

I was having sex with my new girl friend the other night, when all of a sudden she looks at me with a frown. Obviously concerned I asked "what's the matter" she replied "I think the condom has split".........i said "well crabs do have claws you know"

 

Two nuns in the communal bath and one says " Where's the soap "

The other one says " It does, doesn't it "

 

you win prize so far for oldest joke!...........LOL

 

A cardinal rushes into the Popes office looking worried and out of breath. The Pope looks at the cardinal and asks what is wrong.

“I’ve had a vision your eminence that you will die soon unless you have sex!”

The Pope considers the statement and asks the cardinal to give him time to contemplate what he must do.

A while later, the cardinal enters the Popes chambers and asks if he’s made a decision. The Pope nods that he has and stipulates that there are three conditions.

“One” says the Pope “is that she must be blind so she cannot see me.”

The cardinal nods in agreement.

“Two” says the Pope “is that she must be deaf so she cannot hear me.”

The cardinal nods in agreement and asks the final request.

“She must have massive tits” the Pope replies.

 

Somebody won't be going to Heaven.

 

lol most of these are ancient in fairness - including my own

 

Agreed!