I accidentally spilled invisible ink all over myself. Now I'm at the hospital waiting to be seen.......
I accidently paid for my groceries with my library card. My macaroni and cheese is due back next Monday.
I'm no good at DIY so I employed a handyman. I gave him a list of jobs to do from 1 to 10 but he only did numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
please log in to view this image By James RichingsJames_BFPCommunity Content and Sports Reporter please log in to view this image Former Wycombe Wanderers owner Rob Couhig on sudden exit Former Wycombe Wanderers owner Rob Couhig has revealed what his favourite moments were when in charge of the club. The American, who was the proprietor of the Chairboys for five seasons, helped the south Bucks team gain financial stability after several years of uncertainty. His stewardship steered the Adams Park side into its most successful period in their history, with three Wembley appearances, and a promotion to the Championship. But away from defeating Oxford United in the play-off final in 2020, to holding on against Milton Keynes in 2022, to beating former Premier League sides such as Portsmouth, Ipswich Town, Derby County, Reading and Sunderland, the 75-year-old told the Free Press that his best moments were in fact away from the matchday action. He exclusively said: “My favourite day of the season would be the last game of the season at Adams Park because all the players would take their kids out on the pitch. “The fans would also mix with the players and when you see it in action, it gave me a feeling of pride. “Other great memories include when we got voted into the play-offs with over 90 per cent of the vote in 2020, and when we put the new scoreboard in and changed all the electronics. “It’s not always about going out and spending a lot of money on a left-winger, it’s about the money you have to build a better institution, so that you have enough money, to bring in the winger. “We did that, and I believe we became one of the most attractive teams in League One. “The hardest thing I had to deal with was having my ambition heading into the people who didn’t believe it was justified, and try and persuade them that it was OK to aim high. “Little setbacks never bothered me so if you have your eye on that gold star, it’ll be OK. “We played Sunderland at Wembley, lost, but we in front of more than 70,000 people which is a great experience.” “And I’m proud of that as I believe the club are in great shape.” Came to our rescue and served the club well. Much appreciated. Can it get better?
Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: “Is this Whiskey?” Elmer says: “Yeth but not as withky as wobbing a bank!!”
A young lady went to her doctor with a bad cough. He asked her to open her blouse so he could listen to her chest, which she did. On putting the stethoscope on her chest, he said "Big breath", and she said "Yeth, and I am only thixteen".
A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for £250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day. The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died." Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine." The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already." Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse." The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What ya gonna do with him?" Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off." The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?" Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead." A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?" Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at £5 a piece." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Tommy smiled and said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back."
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was completely alone in the house, having a bath, when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.
I backed 10 horses yesterday, but they all performed badly. Wild Boar fell My Time ran out Naughty Kid's Ears got boxed in Holy Y-Fronts unseated the jockey Disorderly Queue wouldn't line up Penelope Pitstop was trapped on the rail Tricky Theatregoer refused to leave the stalls Just Breadcrumbs was unplaiced Careless Driver was disqualified Baggy Sock was pulled up Should have bet on Dusty Carpet it's never been beaten............
I ordered some cauliflower soup for home delivery, they took it round the houses and eventually delivered it 3 hours later. Worse still, after eating it I was dry heaving for ages and my breath smelt foul. I had to complain, but my only option was to fill in an online form. It asked me to state what I had ordered, and the reason for my complaint, but insisted I use no more than seven words. So I put, "Soup of cauli, bad logistics, retching, halitosis".
Just been to Boots and asked the assistant if they sold Benylin. She replied, "For cough? "I said "Steady on love, I only asked!"
