Hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas ? He said it was the most violent book he had ever read.......
I have been training my dog to fetch tools from my workshop. He may not be perfect but he knows the drill.
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me." She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago." The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle." The Nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking "this is incredible. I've got to try this again." Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind. Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again." She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."
I keep having a recurring dream that I’m a horse please log in to view this image That’s 5 nights on the trot now!
If Elton John thinks "Sorry" is the hardest word he wants to try saying Llanfairpwllgwyllgorndrobwillantysiliohogogoch
I was having dinner with a Chess champion. The tablecloth was black and white checks. It took him two hours to pass the salt.
I saw Bonnie Tyler in the street today and offered her a Kit-Kat ..but she turned it down. Then I pulled out a Bounty bar...and she refused that also..... I think she was holding out for an Aero.
This Friday Scotland play Germany at a 66,000 seated stadium. At the moment 33,000 seats have towels on them........
