Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Wish they’d make their mind up. Last week they sacked me from my job centre job. Now they’re writing to me to tell me I have to report in

 

Wife says “we should have a cheat day, say Saturday “. So I did , I knew that Emma in accounts fancied me.
Today’s Sunday and writing this from hospital bed- apparently the discussion was about our diet.

 

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Ooh - will there be a pot at the end !

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My local Cabbie in London is a red indian . . . . he only drives between Bow and Harrow !

 

I went to see my doctor this morning.
"How can I help you ?" she asked.
"I found a lump while I was in the bath" I replied, pointing downwards.
"Oh right" she said, "Take your trousers down for me."
After having a good old feel of my bollocks, she said "I can't feel a lump."
I said "It's on my toe."

 

Check all the small print on your house insurance. Mine says that if my duvet gets stolen during the night, I won't be covered.

 

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If I was rich and bored, I would hire private detectives to follow each other.

 

I visited a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning. The woman behind the counter asked,
"How would you like your eggs cooked."
"Does it affect the price?" I said.
"No, not at all." she replied.
"In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

 

The keynote speaker was in such a hurry to get to the venue that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that had forgotten his dentures.
Turning to the man next to him, he whispered, “I forgot my teeth!”
The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his briefcase and pulled out a pair of dentures. “Try these,” he said. The speaker tried them.
“Too loose,” he said.
The man dug around in his briefcase again. “Here, try these.”
The speaker tried them and responded. “Too tight.”
The man didn’t seem taken aback at all. He dug around in his briefcase again. “Here, I have this pair. Give them a try.”
The speaker smiled. “They fit perfectly.” He ate his meal and gave his speech without any further troubles.
After the event concluded, the speaker went over to thank his benefactor and return the spare dentures.
“I want to thank you for coming to my rescue. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
“Oh, I’m not a dentist,” the man replied:

“I’m a funeral director.”

 

I'd be over the moon if I could understand rocket science !

 

Wayne Rooney to become Plymouth Argyle manager after club take him on a tour of local attractions.