Off Topic Jokes thread

My dad always said "When one door closes, another one opens"

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker

 

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I was taking a **** in the train toilet this morning . When some guy knocked on the door
He said, “can I see your ticket please?”
“Not right now” I shouted, “I’m taking a ****”
He said, I don’t believe you, can you pass it under the door?
“No problem” I said, sliding it under, “The yellow bits are Sweetcorn.”

 

A bus full of blind people went on a day trip to Skegness. Halfway there the driver pulls up at a pub for a piss and a quick drink. To keep the blind people occupied he puts a bell in a football and leaves them outside to have a kick about. Just as he's settling down to drink his pint of coke a fella comes running in and says " Who's looking after that blind group outside "?
The drivers says he is and what seems to be the problem. The bloke replies, " You best come outside now, they're kicking the fu*k out of the Morris dancers "

 

New Plymouth head coach Wayne Rooney (on the right) is welcomed at Home Park.......

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I’ve just fallen over on the pavement.

I’ve left a review on Trip Advisor.........