A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys noticed his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lives, but he kept falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud. After they got to his house, he fell down another four times on the way to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?
My wife just asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, "I would really love a blow job." She said, "Well your dad asked me to find out so I will let him know!"
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?" The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, Alexandros mentions proudly: "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo." "Aye,” Paddy replies, “and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices." "But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics", said Alexandros. "Granted,” Paddy concedes, “but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces." Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, Alexandros, the proud son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!" "Aye! True enough,” Paddy rebuked, "but it was the Irish who got women involved."
A man was in a long line at his local Sainsbury’s store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said... "Mop and bucket to Checkout 5
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, She asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
My father was a very skilled joiner, so naturally, I followed in his footsteps. Between us we've got eighteen gym memberships and thirty two library cards.
Rishi Sunak walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?" Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?" Rishi:"I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister”. Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Rishi: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque." "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?" Rishi stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue." Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Sunak?
