Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

40 gypsies arrived at heaven's gates and St. Peter said "We've only got room for 12, so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in."
Five minutes later St. Peter says to God "They've gone."
God says “What . . . . all 40 of them ?" St. Peter says "No . . . . the ****ing gates !"

 

Another owldy . . . .

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse where we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex, but while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says 'That was wonderful, Cilla, but if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to . . ." "I know Sean . . . . yer want me to 'old onto yer bat n balls again. No problem hun." Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me . . . . dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much ?"
Sean replies "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the f*cking bitch stole ma wallet."

 

Saw this on motd2

As soon as the ball hit the back of the net, Rice ran off backwards and gestured towards these three...

The one in the spuds top was already storming back up the Isle. Hilarious

 

I'm fed up of comments from people ridiculing EVs. They don't know what they're talking about.
Personally, I drive two top of the range EVs, a Jaguar and a Porsche.
Their acceleration and handling is fantastic. They look brilliant and they're really cheap to run. They need hardly any maintenance and haven't depreciated too much since I bought them.
Literally the only criticism I could make of them is sometimes, if I really push them into a corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the sofa....

 

What a good idea

 

I met a girl at the pub one night when I was much younger and I said to her "I'm gonna make love to you in my lounge, bedroom, kitchen, and the hallway tonight."

She said, "It's nice to pull a bloke with that kind of stamina."

She was gutted when I took her back to my caravan.

 

As the bus pulled up at the bus stop and it was her turn to get on, Melissa became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise to the height of the first step of the bus:
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the third time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
At this point, a large bodybuilder who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled. "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The bodybuilder smiled and drawled. "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

 

How do you get down from an elephant ?

You don’t . . . . you get down from a goose.

 

I've just been offered 8 legs of venison for £50 . . . . is that two deer

 

FIND OUT how loud your partner can scream by waking them up on an aeroplane flight wearing your life jacket and oxygen mask.

 

IF YOU’RE behind someone at a cash machine let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.