I was a sort of higher level manager in a company. Used to do a lot of customer visits, very good face to face (honesty works) One Friday I get a call from a team manager, she has a customer coming in, she has never done a face to face meeting before, would I sit in with her, yep no problem. It was dress down Friday. I was wearing a T shirt which said, "Necrophillia crack open a cold one" She was horrified, I dont think the customer noticed, it was in Devon, he probably thought it was something everyone did
Spent the last 4 years WFH a d rely on Teams/Zoom for my interactions. Couple of contracts ago I worked with a very nice, but mild mannered PM. He never said boo to a goose until one call where he talked about yet more work coming into the team and how he was already stretched to capacity. I jokingly said "Come on Rob. There's no"I" in team. To which, quick as a flash he came back with "Aye, but there's a"Y" in **** You!" Everyone on the call was momentarily stunned before breaking into fits of laughter at this previously mild mannered Scot breaking cover for the one and only time
Callum the idiot, on trips away - "Its not that we ran out of screws its just we didn't bring enough" On not being able to read a clockface - "I always get the big and little tick tocks mixed up" In van with me on the west coast of Scotland, I pointed at an island and told him it was Italy, and if we'd only brought our passports . . . He's in his mid 20s btw
Going to a diversity and inclusion presentation (three line whip) that turned into an hour of asking the bloke doing it if increasingly offensive things were racist or sexist.
I should point out that it wasn't just me. Although I may have suggested it. And the best bit was the ladies and non white people were by far the most racist and sexist in what they were choosing to ask him was ok
I was in a diversity training thing a few years ago, the bloke running it started by asking "What does diversity mean to you"? An anonymous voice somewhere at the back replied "Gimps". My funniest moment was talking to a female colleague and she told me she was disgusted because she'd been watching The Simpsons the night before and Homer had used the word "fanny". I explained that Americans use that as a pretty inoffensive word for arse but she didn't believe me. I asked her why she thought Americans called a bum bag a fanny pack, and she replied "because that's where you keep your tampax"!
I lad who worked for me said his wife had just had a baby boy. I said that’s nice what weight was he, he said 7lb 16oz, I said 8lb, he replied no he wasn’t that heavy
2 lads while picking their lunch up rushed to the aid of a collapsed customer in Asda car park - putting their recent medical training to good use as the casualty came round just as the paramedic arrived. They gave a description of the incident to handover to the paramedic and said that they hadn't seem Him fall but He had been unconscious/semi conscious for 3 minutes approximately - the casualties companion then pointed out He was actually a woman. They left the scene at this point.
Yeah we had this good thing going between quite a few of us We would start a little early to allow the lates to go home early and vice verser However there was the few who came in late and went home early Someone suggested we need to rewrite the unwritten law
Ive got one, but i need to give a bit background info first, so apologies if its a long post. I work in a Marie Curie hospice (head chef), and many of our patients are end of life care, and as a consequence we have a mortuary. A few years ago, 2015/16, we had a Nigerian catering assistant. A lovely lass who was deeply religious....would say prayers and sing hymns and prayers to God all day. She had been here quite a while and one day she was visibly upset, and asking her what was wrong, it was because she had just found out about the mortuary. She said she didn't know we had dead bodies, and she passed it every day. She was, for want of a better word, mortified. Anyway, a few days later, I put this in our walk-in fridge....it consisted of a large white cabbage, a sack of carrots, two rolls of big cling film, all covered with a table cloth. I even put a tag on it!! She went in, seen it, and went ****ing nuts. Serious hysterics, difficulty breathing, a real panic attack. Started with the prayers, and crossing herself, God is Great....all that stuff. I thought, ****, I could be in bother here. Took her away and calmed her down (while my workmates removed the "body). Had to explain it was just me messing around, it wasn't real. Took some convincing mind, and she was reluctant to ever go in the fridge again. She went back to Nigeria about a year later...she might still have nightmares about it.
When i was a decorator a new bloke wallpapered over 2 radiator pipes, the ones that go up the wall, and had a few comedy moments wallpapering ceilings tough as hell the job sometimes.
That reminded me of the David Rush story where Bally told him to check the weight of his newborn as that would govern the benefit payments he would be entitled to. Rushie immediately called home...
Around 2002 worked for an IT company. After Y2K went a bit tits up. Got to redundancies. We were a small company but we needed to shed 30 or so people. So top team makes the decisions on who to go. We are all in the office one Friday to be told. Does get funny, honest. Office was over 2 floors and had them phones on desks where you could page out. So you pressed a button spoke on the phone every other phone played the message. Our top team were thick and decided they would use this system to call people to the boardroom to be told they were gonners. First 2 or 3 we were all in shock, what kind of way was this to do it. Arseholes. It was the time some may recall the Budweiser wazzup adverts? Check youtube if you dont. Anyway, one lad thought bollocks to this and when he was called he responded with a page back, a great big shout of Wazzup followed by the name of the MD. Absolutely cracked the whole office. The MD had no idea what to do and waited. A minute later the lad did it again, Yo MD wazzup, top of his voice. Office was roaring. Secretary came out and tried to bollock everyone but sod that, we were turning a ****ty situation into a laugh. They stopped using the paging system but we kept doing it as a kind of call out to those still left...
Many years ago, when even I worked for a living, 4 of us had been away from the office and on the way back we passed Bob’s (I’ll call him this in the unlikely event he should read it) flat. He invited us in for a cuppa. The bedroom was next to the living room. The open doorway between the two had heavy hooks screwed into the top, with a series of chains and pulleys hanging from them. Puzzled, we asked him what their purpose was. Without a blush or blink he explained that when his wife was hitched to them he could pull her upside down and other positions for sex. We didn’t ask anymore questions.
Last week I was at a public inquiry where our opposition's expert witness said he wasn't an expert (and was given two opportunities to recant that statement and didn't) and therefore most of his testimony was struck off the record The KC said he'd never seen it happen in forty years of practicing.
We have a project manager, she somewhat resembles Steve Tyler. So we were meeting with her and he and my boss made a “see how many Aerosmith references you can get into the meeting” Over 1 hour, there were around 25, including me saying ‘I bet you feel you’re getting thrown around like a rag doll” and the piece de resistance my boss saying “you know what these project managers are like, they don’t want to miss a thing” Nearly spat my coffee everywhere with with that one.
