This has to be rebuilt as it was before the fire, apparently . . . . is it because it's a listed building please log in to view this image
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf when the priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "S---, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again. "S---, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "S---, I missed." A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. From the sky comes a booming voice . . . . "S---, I missed."
While riding my Motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a sheep, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new bmw convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Motorbike, I guess."
Here's a very old one A wonderful thing is the human body It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you can't taste it. Women will be finished reading this by now, whilst men are still busy measuring their thumbs.
An atheist was walking through the woods. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot, grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant, the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?” The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord bless this food which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "I have good news and bad news, Edna. The good news is that you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person that you love, and I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself . . . . I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home ?"
