I went to Mothercare this morning and asked for a maternity dress. The assistant said “What bust?” I said “ The condom”
A toff staying at the Ritz hotel in London gets a card offering female companionship and sexual favours pushed under his hotel door. Having been alone for a number of months he decided to ring the number on the card. A lady with a very soft voice asks if she can be of any help. The toff then says to her that he’s staying in the Ritz and that he would like her to visit his room stating he would pay her well if she gave him the very best time. She replied saying he sounded very nice and thanking him for the offer but advised him that he needed to dial 9 for an outside line when wanting to make a phone call.
The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the Tax Office. The Taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Accountant. The Taxman said, ‘Well, Sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the tax office finds that believable.’ ‘I’m a great Gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about I give you a demonstration?’ The Taxman thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay, Go ahead.’ Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.’ The Taxman thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’ Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The Taxman’s jaw drops! Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.’ Now the Taxman can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his false teeth and bites his good eye. The stunned Taxman now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s Accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous. ‘Want to go double or nothing?’, Grandpa asks? ‘I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on this side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’ The Taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pees all over the Taxman’s desk. The Taxman leaps to his feet with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own Accountant moans loudly and puts his head in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’, the Taxman asks. ‘Not really,’ says the Accountant. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
