Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to stack - nothin'!! But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' -strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - but it's OK coz it's only one at a time like, it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steveand Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes pulled me off and carried me to the boozer. He didn't come with us though, said somethin about sore mouth...

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila

 

l've trained my dog to go fetch me a bottle of wine.
He's a Bordeaux collie.

 

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minute's passed and the girl spoke again "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few then he blushed and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"....

 

A German woman married an American and lived with him in Virginia. She was not proficient in English and had problems when she went shopping.
One day she went wanted to buy chicken legs. Unable to be understood, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher smiled and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The delighted butcher immediately understood.
On the 3rd day, when she needed to buy sausages, she brought her husband to the store.
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What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English.

 

I met a girl on a tour of a Strongbow factory once . . . . it ended up with me in cider

 

Rather than virgin !

 

Bruce Springsteen is joining the world's best Abba tribute band on their world tour, alternating which member he'll be performing as . . . . when they're playing in England he'll be Benny, and he is going to be Björn in the USA

 

A greedy man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." and the man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.
He finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate, and next to her is another ladder. The woman says "Come with me through the gate and all of your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He meets another woman, who is the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen. She says "Come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck, and because of his greed decides to take his chances and climbs the next ladder where he comes to another gate.
This time there is no woman waiting for him, and an old overweight man walks up to him. "Are you God ?" the man asks. "No, I'm Sess."

 

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Is it me or does that bush need tidying up?

 

The man who invented 'cats eyes' got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat reflected in his headlights...
If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener!