A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?”
Men! If your still struggling to find your loved one something special for Valentines? Aldi have reduced the price of their ironing boards, you’ll find them in the middle aisle!
Took my nan to a fish spa where the little fish eat the dead skin. Took ages and cost £75 But it was still a lot cheaper than a funeral…
Sister Rita was sitting by her convent window one evening as she opened a letter from home: inside the letter was a £50 note from her parents. Sister Rita smiled but as she continued to read the letter by what was left of the last glimmers of daylight coming through her window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamp post in the street below. Quickly she took a piece of paper and wrote, "Don't despair - Sister Rita". She then wrapped the £50 note in it and having got the man's attention, she tossed the wrapped note out of the window to him. The stranger picked it up and read what was on the paper. He looked up, tipped his hat and slowly made his way down the street and into the darkness. Meanwhile, Sister Rita returned to her letter hoping he would use the money wisely. The following day, Sister Rita was told that there was a man at the main door of the convent insisting that he should see her so, she made her way down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about. True enough, she found the stranger, who she had last seen standing in the street, waiting for her. Without a word, he handed her an envelope stuffed full with £50 notes. "What's this?" she asked. "It's your winnings Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at 80-to-1."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years' 'I remember that, too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
Stevie Wonder is on tour when he turns to one of his roadies and says, "My harmonica isn't working." "What harmonica?" he replies, "You've just sucked the chocolate off the side of my crunchie."
