I spent half an hour trying to cross a busy road today. A passer by said, "There's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road." I said, "I hope he's having better f*cking luck than me!"
My Grandson said that he got 19 out of 20 in his spelling exam, and I said "That's good . . . . what word did you spell incorrectly ?" He said "Armageddon" and I said "Well, it's not the end of the world."
I bought some Bonjela today and the instructions read: "rub on most sensitive area". I wont be doing that again.
A very clever Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy the very clever one replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy the very clever one said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy the very clever one said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy the very clever one said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy the very clever one and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy the very clever one said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £998' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy the very clever one said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his £2 back....
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration. "Thanks," the Girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
