When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know. When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass. Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it: Then he passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me! I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life. The dead bastard had a twin.
I said to the girl in B&Q, "What's the best thing for greasy ovens?" She replied "Ammonia Cleaner" I said, "Sorry, I thought you worked here"......
A man has a car accident and is taken to hospital Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news? "The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." ".Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection , I also get a headache."
