Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I’ve opened a new gymnasium; the instructors go from door to door to tell people about the benefits of joining it.

I’ve named it Jehovah’s Fitness

 

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer yesterday.

I don’t know what he laced them with....

But I’ve been tripping all day.

 

I thought we had the Moonies on our street this week ...

... turned out to be some builders unloading their lorry

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ... . ........
"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

New years resolutions:
1. Lose the fat belly.
2. Learn how to actually cook a decent meal.
3. Get much better in the sack.
4. At least make it look like an effort has been made on appearance.
5. Stop breaking down every time my other half has an affair.
"Okay," sobbed my wife, as I handed over the list I'd made for her!!

 

New Years Eve confession. It happened a while ago.

I got really drunk and ended up shagging my best mate.
Now i cant even look at him anymore, never mind play fetch with him in the park!

 

I can't believe our 4 year old son is already looking at porn online! I said to my wife when she checked the internet history.

 

I'm so happy for them.

 

Well Gil would you consider the challenge?

 

Obviously . My standards are extremely low. A pulse is all I ask for and not necessarily a strong one.

 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those ****s at the Post Office

 

"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.

 

Why are women always saying it's good to cry ...

... then get hysterical if they have to peel an onion