So Newcastle have 2,000 out of the 6,000 tickets for corporate, which means that their owner can bring his wives if they can get the day off school.
I went to a sex addiction clinic yesterday. We all gathered in a circle and one by one each person told stories of their sordid sexual encounters. By the time it got to me, the counsellor asked, "Dave, is there anything you'd like to share with us?" I said, "Yes, my erection!"
Courtesy of Mr Billy Connolly The circus came to town in Glasgow and Hamish took his family to see it They oohed and aahed at the acrobats, laughed at the clowns. Then the tigers came out with their trainer cracking his whip and issuing commands and the tigers did as they were told. Then came the highlight of the act - the trainer shouted at the tiger and the tiger opened his mouth as wide as he could. The crowd gasped "he's gonna put his head into his mouth!". But not this trainer! This trainer was the bravest tiger trainer ever! The trainer undid his trousers and whipped out his willy! The crowd gasped even louder! He went up to the tiger and placed his willy into it's mouth - the crowd clapped but this was the bravest tiger trainer in the world! He then started to close the tiger's mouth - the crowd held their breath, women put their hands to their cheeks. The tigers mouth was fully closed! The crowd went wild. He took out his willy and put himself right and took the microphone "Would anyone like to repeat the feat that I have just accomplished?" Hamish held up his hand and shouted "I'll dae it!" and walked down to the ring. The crowd cheered. The tiger trainer asked him if he was sure - "och nae bother", "You have no doubts whatsoever?" asked the trainer. "Well maybe one slight doubt" replied Hamish "I dunno if I can open my mouth as wide as the tiger!" He tells it so much better!
