Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I'm not saying my wife is fat.
But if I had to pick five of the fattest people I could think of, she would be three of them.

 

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 15 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

 

I bought a Fleetwood Mac satnav...it was useless!

Kept telling me "Go your own way!"

 

You're only supposed to sh#t in her bloody knicker draw

With apologies to Michael Caine

 

This morning I was watching a young lady struggling to back up her car so I offered to help.
"F*ck off!" she yelled, "I can do it myself."
"Please,I insist" I said, "This is my house and my f*cking living room."

 

A business man checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he rang reception to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the receptionist told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 20 Japanese Yen and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the business man pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures,' 15 Yen 'Why not?' thought the man. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a service men need when away from their wives, 10 Yen
The business man looked both ways, put 10 Yen into the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end

OUCH....

 

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