Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

A truck driver away on the road for months pulls up outside a brothel.
He goes in and puts 500 dollars down and says to the madam,
"I'd like your ugliest woman and a cheese sandwich please".
The madam says,
"Honey for 500 dollars you can have our prettiest lady and a 3 course meal"
The trucker replies,
"Listen darling, I'm not horny,
I'm just homesick ".

 

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Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today . . . . but it’s definitely up there.

 

I've never understood why women are always telling men that it's wonderful to cry ...

... then make such a massive deal about peeling an onion

 

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Confuse Geordie physiotherapists by telling them that you've got knee complaints

 

Another owldy . . . .
The cardigan that I bought was attracting static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They replaced it with another one . . . . free of charge.

 

This isn't a joke but it's made me laugh for nearly 60 years.

I lived in a place called Leadgate, near Consett, which was very working class but decent enough.

This was pre-TV so gossip and scandal were a big form of entertaiment. One of the best was the case of an ex-Merchant Navy fella who had a little monkey he'd brought back from his travels, Madagascar rings a bell. He trained it to do all kinds of tricks that us kids loved. We were all shocked when he ended up in court charged with multiple thefts but it was the talk of the town for weeks.

It turned out he'd go out at night pinching tabs from the three local shops. He'd trained the monkey to go through the shop letterbox and bring a packet of Woodbines in exchange for a grape. It all worked perfectly, for months, and the shopkeepers were all baffled, accusing staff, wives, etc.

It all went wrong when, one night, the monkey refused to leave the shop and the shopkeeper discovered him in the morning. Of course everyone knew who the monkey belonged to so a deputation was sent including the local bobby. It eventually ended up in court which was attended by half the village.

The lad pleaded guilty to theft and the magistrate asked where his plan had faltered.

"Well, your honour, it was all going perfectly until Billy, my monkey, went on strike when I ran out of grapes."

Absolute uproar in the public gallery!

The magistrate called for order then sentenced the lad to six months suspended sentence with costs and a year's house arrest for Billy ...

... cue absolute mayhem and a whip round for a pound of grapes for the defendants.

Wonderful naive times when we all knew we were in the same leaky boat and life was so much simpler.

 

Love stories like this, always make me smile. My father in law was always telling stories similar to this....it reminded me of him.

On the plus side, we now have tv up here.

 

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For a bit of warmth and the heating bills . . . .

 

Surely if you buy the first one you'll not need the other one . . . . follow me for more money saving tips