A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The Rangers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?" He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police ya bead rattlin ***** ****
What do you call a small downstairs room with a broken washing machine in it? The futility room. Just made that up myself
A man finds a genie in a bottle. The genie says, 'I'll give you a million quid on one condition - you'll have a two inch cock.' The man says, 'Deal.' The next day the man is celebrating in the pub. His mate turns to him and says, 'I can't understand why you are so happy. You've now got a two inch cock.' The man replies, 'Not only am I a millionaire - I've also gained an inch.'
I met this short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flatbreads. It was fascinating. I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.
Remember the book title and author puns of the 1970s? No, me neither. However I’ve just come up with one: “Towns and cities whose names include common male given names” by Steve Nage and Peter Borough.
Hilarious jokes - Tories, Labour, Lib Dems, SNP, Greens et al.............................................
A young Celtic fan called Lennon, comes home from school with some homework. He asks his Dhad, Anton, if he can help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" Anton looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, let me show you "Go ask your mhum, Siobhan, if she'd give elephant man and Celtic right back, Alistair Johnston a blow job, for 1 million potatoes", so young Lennon goes and asks his mhum and sure enough, she said she would give AJ a BJ for 1m potatoes, so he goes back and reports this back to his dad. Anton then tells young Lennon "now go ask your fhat **** of a sister, Anne-Marie, if she'd let David "Quaver Heid" Turnbull bang her for a years supply of Ruslter Burgers, so young Lennon goes and asks his sis and sure enough, she said she would let Quaver Heid bang her for a years supply of Burgers, so he goes back and reports this back to his dad. Finally, his dad says, "ok so go and ask your disabled older Brother, Mindy, if he would let chief Celtic *****, Jim Torbet, leave a load in his arse if all litigation against Celtic for the 50 years of rhaping kids was dropped from all media outlets", and of course, Mindy says yes, he would take a load in the arse if all mention of Celtic's systematic raping of kids was dropped from all media outlets. Big Anton then says, "so potentially, we've got 1 million potatoes, a years supply of Rustler burgers and free reign to sevco, but in reality, we're living with 2 sluts and deranged ***** enabler."
Man walks into a bar and sits next to Tina Man: Hello miss, can I smell your pussy? Tina: **** off you disgusting pervert Man: Oh sorry, it must be your feet
Trev was in trouble. He forgot Sengas birthday. Senga was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When Senga woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Yermaw was laying in a close talking out loud saying, "I wish had another drink." He then passed out. As he was saying that, ER was walking by and heard him. When the ER came back, he f*cked Yermaw and put three quid in his pocket. Yermaw woke up later and found the money, ran to the offy, and said, "Give me the cheapest half of pint you have," and went back to his spot, drunk it and passed out again. ER came back, f*cked YerMaw again, and left five quid. Yermaw woke up, ran back to the offy and said, "Give me the cheapest pint you have," and went back to his spot. ER came back again. Once he saw Yermaw passed out, he f*cked him again and left eight quid. Yermaw woke up and realized he had some more money. He ran back to the offy, and before he could say a word, the owner said, "I know, you want the cheapest pint you can get," and Yermaw said, "No, give me the most expensive half you got. That cheap pish is tearing my arse up."
