My wife just asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said "I would really love a blow job." She said, "Well your dad asked me to find out so I will let him know !"
A man called home to his wife and said "I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & some of his friends for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office, so I will come home to pick my things up. Oh . . . . please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks that this sounds a bit fishy, but being the good wife that she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired, but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish. He said "Yes . . . . lots of salmon, some carp, and a few swordfish, but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to ?" The wife replied "I did . . . . they're in your fishing box !"
Another owldy . . . . MI5 had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists . . . . two women and a man. For the final test, the MI5 agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair . . . . kill him.' The woman said 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my husband.' The agent said, 'You're not the right woman for this job, then. Take your husband and go home.' The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my husband.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.' Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the ****ing chair !'
Dave, John and Paddy are working on some roadworks in the middle of the town centre. All of them are claiming benefits and working on the side. The foreman gives them their instructions and says "Remember if the inspector from the benefit fraud office catches you to give him a false name". Paddy says "Yes boss, but what if we can't think of one fast enough?" The foreman replies "Look, it's bloody easy, just look around and use one of the names of the shops". An hour passes and the benefit fraud officer turns up "Right then you three, you are under suspicion of working whilst claiming benefits. Give me your names" Dave looks around and says " David Woolworths". John looks around and answers "John Tesco". The inspector then turns to Paddy "What's your name?" Paddy says "Ken" The inspector says " . . . . and your second name?" Paddy replies "Tucky fried chicken."
I was in the Railway pub, near us, this afternoon and it was pretty busy. They had Wimbledon on and I shouted to a woman, "Excuse me, could you move your head, I can still see some of the screen." Went down like a sack of shyte, who'd have thought the Jocks would be so keen on tennis. I bet they hated it before Andy Murray
