Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

My wife moaned she was fed up with me wanting sex 5 times a day.
apparently it wastes 10 minutes of her day.

 

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

 

I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week.

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

 

When I got home my wife had 2 of her friends round. "Here he is," she said. "We were just talking about having a foursome, if you're up for it?"

She smiled and winked. Two minutes later, I appeared naked with my dick in my hand. They all had tennis rackets in theirs!

 

Just received a parcel from Holland.

When I opened it, inside it, there was a Rubber Fanny.

That's nice I thought, "Two Lips from Amsterdam."

 

I fully understand if a ban is forthcoming

 

Poor Schofield isn't having much luck. The only job he could get was delivering for Amazon ...

... he was fired first day, something to do with leaving his package in someone's back passage.

 

I know that this might not be suitable for this page, but I am asking everyone to wish me luck. I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed. I'm talking millions here.
I am so excited that I can barely get the stocking over my head.

 

My wife said, "Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?"
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Birthday presents tomorrow?" I replied.

 

At age 12, I was blessed with a nine inch penis...

And three years later, that priest went to prison!

 

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I went to see my doctor this morning.
"How can I help you?" she asked.
"I found a lump while I was in the bath," I replied, pointing downwards.
"Oh right," she said, "Take your trousers down for me."
After having a good old feel of my bollocks for a few minutes, she said, "I can't feel a lump."
I said, "It's on my toe."