I have a friend who used to live in North Korea and I once asked him what it was like to live under such an oppressive regime. He said that he couldn't complain.
Sometimes the owld ones are the best . . . . sometimes A bloke goes into the Barbers, the barber is in a mood and a right miserable git. He sits down and the barber says "Going on holiday, then ?" The lad replies "Yes . . . . me and the wife are going to Rome" The barber says "I wouldn't bother mate. We went last month and it was terrible. Who are you flying with . . . . Al Italia ?" The lad replies "Yes" The barber says "We flew with them and they were terrible. I bet that you're going to the Vatican to see the Pope as well" The lad replies "Yes . . . . me and the wife are devout Catholics" The barber says "I knew it. So predictable. Me and the wife went there, and it was terrible" A couple of months go by, one morning the bloke walks into the barbers and the barber recognises him and says "You're the lad who went to Rome . . . . terrible isn't it ?" The lad replies "Actually it was wonderful, the weather, the people and the food were all fabulous" "What about Al Italia . . . . they're terrible aren't they ?" said the barber "Actually we got upgraded and the flight was great" replied the lad "How was the Vatican, then ? I bet that it was terrible" suggests the barber The lad replied "Actually it was brilliant, the Swiss Guard came out and selected me and the wife and ten other people for a private audience with His Holiness. We were taken into his private study, where we held prayers and then the Pope laid his hand on our heads and blessed us" The barber asks "Did he say anything to you ?" The lad said "Yes. He said "Who the hell cut your hair . . . it's ****ing terrible ?"
A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump. Just at the last moment, one of his bodyguards spotted him and immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse ! . . . . Mickey Mouse !" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald . . . . duck !"
I learned today that if you turn a canoe upside down you can wear it as a hat, because its then cap-sized.
I felt a bit fed up today so to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards. I love the end bit where I take my ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car and **** off.
My blonde wife and I got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid. Eventually she jumped up out of her chair and yelled "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out of that door !" I replied "The plane hasn't landed yet."
My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a '*****' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 19 year old girlfriend they're just jealous ! It total ruined our 10th anniversary..
I ended up in a bar with a fish, I barely knew, and he started a fight. The barman asked me to sort him out but I didn't think it was appropriate and refused. "It's not my plaice."
