Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I've written a song about getting my front door lock replaced....

There's a lovely key change at the end....

 

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) & I noticed a strange individual who looked like a terrorist with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbour’s back garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave in the vegie patch and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned
my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said.
”What” she said
"That bastard next door has still got my shovel.".

 

Quasimodo went to his doctor.
"How can I help you,' asked the doctor."
I just don't feel right,' replied Quasimodo
"OK,can you take off all your clothes and we'll try to find out what's wrong." said the doctor.
Quasimodo took off ten vests,eight shirts and fourteen jumpers.
''When was the last time you took off all your clothes?" asked the doctor.
"When I was at school" replied Quasimodo.
"Did you never wonder what happened to your school bag" replied the doctor.

 

A guy with constipation is sat in the public toilets trying his best, after a few minutes he hears footsteps come rushing in, & the cubicle door next to him slams shut noisily,after a second or two he hears an almighty explosive sh#tting, f#rting noise.
He says " I wish I could do that "
The voice from the next cubicle says
"I bet you don't I couldn't get my trousers down in time "

 

Little John is visiting his Grandad on his farm when he races into the Farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Grandad :
"Hey Grandad . . . . the bull is shagging the cow"
Grandad won't tolerate this sort of "playground language" on his farm and tells John that in future if he wants to inform him about such things he should say something like "The bull is 'surprising' the cow"
A few weeks later John is again visiting the farm, and once again he comes racing in and yells "Grandad the bull is surprising the cows"
Grandad says to John "I'm so pleased to hear that after my conversation with you a few weeks ago, you have cleaned up your language, but your grammar is not quite correct.
It is not "the bull is surprising the cows".
It is "the Bull is surprising the cow" 'cos the bull can only surprise one cow at a time"
John replies "No Grandad . . . . the bull really is surprising all of the cows, because he's shagging the horse"

 

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I wouldn't say that my childhood home had damp, but every time that my Dad set a mousetrap he'd catch an otter.

 

I told the wife the other day not to worry if her mother was at death's door . . . . I'd help to pull her through.

 

I'm not saying that the wife's a big woman, but when she hangs her bra out to dry, a camel tries to shag it.

 

As usual, Specsavers going beyond to help people . . . .

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Lovely