King Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner, he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the couple pass. Then, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard !”
I heard my wife screaming in the bedroom. I ran upstairs to see a small spider on the wall. Relieved, I chuckled to myself and hit the b*stard with a rolled up newspaper, then I killed the spider.
Funeral costs are so bloody expensive these days. At my mother-in-law's, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, we could barely afford the face-painting.
All women do is f*cking moan. First my wife bollocked me for nicking 50 quid out of the kid's copper jar and then a prostitute went mental when I paid her in 2p's and 5p's.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn't see the person so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
I've just had a phone call from my mate. He said...."You won't believe this, I entered a competition last month and I've only gone and won first prize". I said "That's brilliant...what's the prize"? He replied..."A week in Ibiza, for me and 3 mates, all inclusive, a 5☆ hotel, with £2,000 spending money....are you free between 20th and 27th of August"? I said...."Of course I am". He then said... "Great.....can you put my wheelie bin out".
A strange woman looked through my window this morning and saw me naked, watching porn and masturbating furiously. Thankfully after about ten seconds of shocked embarrasing silence the lights turned green.
