I remember when I wished the wart would fall off of my penis. No one wanted any birthday cake after that.
I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'You disgust me, you really are the lowest of the low' I said. 'I'm just doing my job' she protested. 'Just make sure my tea's on the table when I get home you tw*t' I replied.
My little boat was sinking at sea so I sent out an SOS. Two boats came to my rescue, a fishing boat and a yacht doing a swimwear photo shoot. The trawler got to me first and I was hauled aboard by big ugly fishermen ... ... I was gutted.
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
I went to the Doctor because I can't stand people with stumpy feet. He says I am Lack Toes Intolerant.
Fool the neighbours into thinking you're giving your wife an orgasm by flushing the downstairs toilet while she's in the shower.
Men at 25 play football. At 40 they play tennis, and at 60 they play golf. As they get older, the balls get smaller.
How many Man U. fans does it take to change a light bulb in Old Trafford ? Three . . . . one to change the light bulb, one to buy the commemorative DVD, and one to drive them back to Surrey. It was nearly 4, but they've probably got Google maps so they don't need the lad who'd been there before to give them directions.
How many Wigan fans does it take to change a light bulb ? Three . . . . one to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder.
I was having an argument with my mate, Dave, in the pub about which British based male singer had the most distinctive voice, so he decided to start canvassing other customers in the pub. The first person that he asked said "Definitely George Michael . . . or perhaps Elton John" The next person said "It's bound to be Freddie Mercury, or Will Young" He asked another person, who said "It's got to be Marc Almond, or Boy George" One old timer said "George Melly . . . no wait, it might be Michael Ball" The last person that he asked said "Probably Jimmy Somerville . . . or Holly Johnson" Dave was getting really frustrated by this point and snapped "For Christ's sake . . . . can't anyone give me a straight answer !
