A bishop, a nun, and a football agent were adrift on a life raft in the tropics. At last they sighted land. But the wind died down while they were still a short way from the beach. The football agent, the only one who could swim, volunteered to go ashore with a line and pull the raft to land. The bishop and nun fell to their knees to pray for his safety. Then the agent dived in. His companions saw the black fin of a shark making straight for him. The shark disappeared, then came up on the other side, having passed under the swimmer. The agent seemed unperturbed, slowly switching to different swimming strokes, seemingly enjoying the exercise. Shortly, the bishop and nun saw an ever bigger shark darting toward the football agent, but again, this one also swerved just in time. After the agent had reached shallow water, he pulled the raft ashore, and as the bishop and nun jumped off the raft to safety, they simultaneously exclaimed, “There is proof of the power of prayer.” “Power of prayer, be damned!” retorted the agent. “That was just professional courtesy.”
A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts 'Where is your Wife ?' 'Why ?' the neighbour replies' What did Anna do ?' She tricked my Wife into investing in a fake farm for snakes !' he yelled. 'Anna conned her ?' 'No . . . . Burmese pythons.'
This bloke in the pub said to me, "F*ck me, that was a rough old bitch you were with last night, not a patch on the women I normally see you with, what on Earth ever possessed to take her out? " "I had to, " I replied, "it was our wedding anniversary.
Three desperately ill men go to their doctor seeking help. One is an alcoholic, one is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men that if they indulge in any of their bad habits again they will die. The three men leave. The alcoholic sees a pub and hears it's loud music and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky, drinks it, and suddenly drops down dead. The other two walk outside realising how serious this is. The chain smoker sees a half cigarette on the ground still burning, so the gay lad says to the chain smoker "If you bend over to pick that up, were both dead."
