I was fitting blinds in the cottage, for Mrs Smug, when I saw a label on them that said, "Children can be strangled with the cord." Where was that kind of advice when I really needed it
I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora ?’ I said ‘No . . . . for me.’
There is a theory being touted about by psychologists that the mass hysteria and screaming that occurred during Beatles concerts was brought on not by the fab four's music or looks, but because they couldn't believe that four scousers where actually working at the same time.
I used to think that I was just a normal person, but I was born white, into a two-parent household, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me privileged, a racist, and responsible for slavery. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist because I plan, budget, and support myself. I went to Grammar School and have always had a job, but I now find out that I am not here because I earned it, but because I was "advantaged." I am heterosexual, which according to gay people, now makes me a homophobe. I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel I am older than 70, making me a useless dinosaur who doesn't understand Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Snapchat. I think, and I reason, and I doubt most of what the 'mainstream' media tells me, which makes me a Right-wing conspiracy nut. I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive culture, making me a xenophobe. I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair reward according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist. I believe that our system guarantees freedom of effort - not freedom of outcome or subsidies, which must make me a borderline sociopath. I believe in the defence and protection of my nation for and by all citizens, now making me a militant. I am proud of our flag, what it stands for, and the many who died to let it fly, so I stand during our National Anthem - I must be a radical. Please help me to come to terms with the new me because I'm just not sure who I am anymore ! Funny - it all took place over the last decade! If all of this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with, now I don't even know which toilet to use.. and these days I go more frequently !
