Q. What's the difference between a newsagent and the average resident of a four star uk hotel. . . A. Newsagents have papers . . .
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?” She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.” “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?” The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”
There was an Englishman and a Scotsman sitting in a pub having a drink. The Englishman was doing a crossword and says to the Scotsman do you know the answer to this one? "What do you call a person who is shipwrecked on a desert island? it starts with an M and ends with a D" "Marooned" said the Scotsman. "Thanks a lot said the Englishman - I'll have a double whiskey"
A bloke from Yorkshire goes to a jewellers. He says..... "can tha mek a gold statue o mi dog" ? Jeweller replies......"Aye cocka I reckon I can, dus tha wannit eighteen carat?" Bloke replies " na ya datf get, I wannit chowing a bone !!!"
A Scouser guy goes on the antiques roadshow with a very rare vase. Hugh Scully asks, "How did you acquire the vase?" The Scouser says, "It was handed down to me." Hugh Scully, "Where from?" The Scouser replies, "An upstairs window
Told my mate who happens to be a doctor, I was having trouble in the bedroom? So he gave me some Viagra - I can't see how that's going to help me put up 2 IKEA wardrobes!!
During labour, the nurse came up to Paddy and his wife and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" Paddy said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name.
An old farmer got into his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the homestead door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. Mornin'. Is your Dad home, son'? The farmer asked. 'Sorry Sir, he isn't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your Mom here, then'? 'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.' 'How about your brother, Greg? Is he here'? 'He went with Mum and Dad.' The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do for ya'? The boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.' 'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.' The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.
Someone threw fabric conditioner at me in Tesco. Didn't see the label but must have been Lenor. It was too close for Comfort
