A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering. The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you." "Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour." "Show me," said the interviewer. So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking. The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country." "Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!" "Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer. The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"
A 95 year old man is crying on a park bench. “Sir,” says a concerned Policeman “what’s the matter?” “What’s the matter?” he says. “I went on a dating website after my wife died. This young woman sent me an email. She liked older men. She’s Swedish. We meet. It’s wonderful. She’s beautiful. She takes care of the apartment. She makes me eat gluten-free. I haven’t felt so good in years. My children love her. My grandchildren love her. And the sex..oh my god is great” “Well, that sounds wonderful,” the Policeman says. “So why are you crying?” “I can’t remember where I bloody live!”.
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?" "Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." "Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK?...... I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab……………….. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.
I said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis." He said, "Oh what, the one with Adolf in?" I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis."
I asked a married woman for a date once, but she said no because I had a face like the back of a boat. I didn't reply, I just gave her a stern look...
Film studios have announced a remake of Hitchcock’s classic The Birds. Leading roles by Russell Crowe, Steven Seagal and Ethan Hawke, with music by Taylor Swift.
My Grandad only had one leg, but still managed to work 40 years in a brewery. He was in charge of the hops.
I got the sack today for downloading porn and making everything crash. They're a bit strict at Air Traffic Control.
