Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

That joke did not have me folded over.

 

Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.
"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"
"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"
Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.
He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"
"Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.
Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"
"Leeds," replied the memory man.
Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"
The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."
Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."
Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.
Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.
"How," Dave says.
The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."

 

**** me that came in with the ark!

 

As did I.

 

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which animal were you?

 

Holy crap, that means there's two of you!

 

No I am just a schizophrenic, in fact both of us are

 

Did you know that your chances of becoming pregnant are hereditary?

 

Hmmm. I haven't been pregnant yet despite my mother getting pregnant, her mother getting pregnant, and hers , and hers and hers .

 

1. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
2. Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.
3. I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.
4. How come everyone my age seems older than me?
5. I’m at the age where I can’t keep up with all the things I hate.
6. A wise man remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age.
7. I’m so old I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.
8. Regular naps will prevent old age, especially if taken whilst driving.
9. Ageing gracefully is the polite way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
10. You know you’re old when dining out means catching the early bird special.
11. We were so poor growing up we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.
12. You know you’re old when people call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
13. I believe in loyalty. So, when I got to a certain age I decided to stick with it.
14. My wife’s so vain, she’d rather pay full price than admit she’s a senior citizen.
15. I’d like to say I’m ageing like fine wine but in my case, it’s more like a fine banana.
16. I like older women because they’re used to life’s disappointments, so they’re ready for me.
17. When you’re old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you’re there.
18. Old age is when your old classmates are so grey, wrinkled and bald that they no longer recognize you.
19. If it’s your birthday today, you should congratulate yourself. Especially if you’re still able to remember it.
20. The older I get, the more cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?
21. You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
22. The skill of the diplomat is the ability to tell someone to go to Hell in such a way that they’ll look forward to the trip.
23. Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.
24. The best moment of a woman’s life isn’t giving birth, it’s seeing an old adversary and realizing how fat and ugly she is now.
25. When you’re young you make a lot of noise just having fun. When you’re old, you make even more noise just bending over.
26. I wanted to look distinguished in my old age, so I grew a beard. Turns out the statement I’m making is more like, “Discount please, I’m a senior!”
27. When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. Fortunately, my older brother told me about it.
28. When I was young I did stupid things because I didn’t know any better. Now I know better I still do stupid things but I can’t help it.
29. I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then I remember that death will be normal for my age at some point.
30. I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.
31. When you’re young, embarrassment is forgetting to zip up your fly. When you’re old, embarrassment is forgetting to unzip your fly.
32. As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right one for me.

 

#oldbutgold

 

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A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed, dissipated drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

Some AI generated "puns"... #2 made me literally laugh out loud it was so.absurd.

 

so you've found chatbots weakness

it's only as funny as dribs

 

To be fair, ChatGPT does a much better job than Google's Bard. Bard is woefully awful at everything.

It just told me Liverpool has a 44% chance of winning the Premier League title this season.

 

Ok... Here's one for @Zanjinho

I asked it what you call an Italian with a rubber toe.

And .. then...




To be fair I'm really impressed it picked Robbie even if it's not really funny...

... But saving the best for last, this one actually is funny...

 

What do you call a German with a rubber toe?

A German with a very comfortable shoe.

 

I asked ChatGPT to make the Roberto joke and asked it to make it funnier:

What do you call a German with a rubber toe: