A teacher decided to give the class a riddle. "Does anyone know how to put 2 holes into one hole?" None of the children knew the answer so it was their homework to go home and work it out. The kids came back the next day, and still none of them knew the answer. "I will show you the answer now, children" says the teacher as he looks pretty chuffed with himself. He proceeds to hold his forefinger against his thumb making a little ring. He then puts the ring that he made with his fingers over his nose and says "look, here is the hole that I made with my fingers and it is covering the 2 holes on my nose" All of the children are very impressed apart from Little John, who stands up and says "Excuse me sir, but do you know how to put 7 holes into one hole?" The teacher replies "I have no idea, John . . . . please tell us" Little John replies "you simply stick a recorder up your arse, sir"
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "Who was the girl that you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti ?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli ?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli ?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano ?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then ?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend, Franco, slides over and whispers "What did you get ?" "Four months holiday and five good leads."
My mate from Liverpool has started working in a local slaughterhouse, stunning the animals . . . . they've never seen a Scouser with a job
What a lovely story I know that I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old, I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me sounded her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you" obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed the assistant both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again
