The barnsley joke page

My neighbour just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

 

We use to have a teacher called Miss Turtle at school…she was a strange woman…but she tortoise well.

 

Jack is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Jack replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Jack answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Jack replied, "My father doesn't like her."

 

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over
sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to
catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

 

A young girl who was about to go on a 1st date with her boyfriend was been tutored by her grandma.
"He will try to kiss you, allow him.
He will try to cuddle you, allow him.
He will try to lay u down and get on top of you, DONT ALLOW HIM!!!"
The girl asked, "Grandma, why?"
Grandma said, "Because if u do that, u have allowed him to disgrace you and all your family."
Girl said, "Okay"
And left on her date.
Several hours later she returned and grandma asked, "How did it go?"
Girl said, "Exactly as you said except when he laid me down and tried to disgrace our family, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."