Jokes

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Woke up this morning to find a spoon in my mouth, a tea bag in my left eye and milk in my right ear.

I'm sick of being treated like a mug...

 

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What's worse than finding a toenail in your soup?






Rape.

 

Scientists in China have successfully cloned two macaque monkeys.


It's quite impossible to tell them apart, said one of the monkeys.

 

"I love you lots, snuggles." The girlfriend announced earlier.

"And I love you tons." I replied.

"Oh, I see." She said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?"

Sometimes I swear the fat ****'s going deaf.

 

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.



That priest is in jail now

 

Lesbians, if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them!


You don't see jews dressed as nazis.

 

I've never been to Lesbia.

 

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at traditional weddings in norfolk everyone sits at the same side of the church

 

The other day I bought some flavoured condoms and asked the wife if she would like to go to bed and see how many flavours she could guess.

She jumped into bed and dived under the sheets; "cheese and onion", she yelled.

"Slow down, woman", I said, "give me a chance to put one on"..

 

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy"s lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don"t mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "Okay. Why don"t you go behind this hedge?"She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I"ve changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."

 

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

 

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"

The waiter says "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Take it away!"

The waiter apologizes profusely as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair".

Gary says "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

 

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked one of her students the following question:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."

"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

 

I can't help thinking that Frosty's parents could have been more adventurous with the name.

 

China flys balloon over the US. US to retaliate with custard and jelly. England ready their Eton Mess in support.