Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

And a tyre lever....

 

No that’s spoon handles

 

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked one of her students the following question:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."

"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

 

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"

The waiter says "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Take it away!"

The waiter apologizes profusely as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair".

Gary says "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

 

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

 

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy"s lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don"t mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "Okay. Why don"t you go behind this hedge?"She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I"ve changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."

 

The other day I bought some flavoured condoms and asked the wife if she would like to go to bed and see how many flavours she could guess.

She jumped into bed and dived under the sheets; "cheese and onion", she yelled.

"Slow down, woman", I said, "give me a chance to put one on"..

 

I was walking my dog through the park today when a warden came over and said, "There's a £50 fine for dogs who foul the footpath."
"Well that's not going to bother him." I replied pointing to my dog, "He's never got any money."

 

I said to my son, "I'm sorry I've got some bad news, your tortoise has died."
Wiping the tears away he said, "I guess he was quite old."
I said, "Do you like my new ashtray?"

 

Last night was when I found out I knew it was time for me to stop drink driving. I'd had at least five pints and was at the wheel and had started singing when the person in the back seat told me to shut up. It was so embarrassing for me to realise that I'd forgotten that I'd just arrested someone.

 

I watched my wife sleeping and thought, "Our marriage is going downhill. All I seem to do is spend money on her and I'm starting to resent it."
To make things worse, I've got to take her on honeymoon tomorrow.

 

Nah, spoons made better tyre levers!