Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

new trading standards officer for Bradford proclaims, this is a wonderful job superb craftsmanship just like back home

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day:
One day Mike says. "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed. "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him. "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." Insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven." Replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first." Says Mike.
"The good news." Joe says. "Is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want and we never get tired."
That's fantastic." Says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday!"

 

Another owldy . . . .

 

Doctor, I'm getting married in 15 days, but I'm worried, I don't know if my girlfriend is a virgin...
What should I do?
-Easy, fill up a bathtub with water and place her in it, if she gets 3 little bubbles she is a virgin and if more than three come out, don't get married...!
15 days later the doctor asks him?-And how was your marriage?
-What marriage...!? I sat her in the bathtub and she looked like an Alka-Seltzer!