Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it".

 

.

 

• There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently.
• A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

 

Just bought a antique bottle of Tipex from China on eBay.

It's a correctors item.

 

I've just returned from hospital after the bowl of herbs I was carrying in the garden blew into my face.

The doctor has told me that I am now parsley sighted.

 

New tatoo has come out great!

 

I feel like I shouldn’t have laughed at that. But I did.

 

If this is a real tattoo the bloke inking it on there knew what they were doing! Bet they couldn't stop sniggering to themselves throughout the tattoo. Definitely a bloke doing the tattoo aswell.

 

No idea mate, just saw it and thought it was funny

 

Did you know that french fries aren’t cooked in France ?

They’re actually cooked in Greece.

 

That should get me some abuse on FB.

 

a little of what you fancy does you good..

 

I Was gonna sell all of my John Lennon memorabilia.. then I thought,imagine all the PayPal..

 

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband:
"Don't you love him any more?" Asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him." The woman replied. "But, all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" The lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband started on her.
"Not so fast." She said. "From now on it'll be £10 in the kitchen,
£20 in the living room and £50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then." He said. "Here's £50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on." He said, grabbing her hand........
"That'll be five times in the kitchen!"