I'd definitely do that now tbh. I've always taken chances and thought I'd calm down as I got older. But as my eyesight, bones and other bits start to wear out I've no great wish to drag things out. I'd much rather go out in a wolf attack walking in the Alps than sitting in a pool of my own piss being fed with a spoon
If this has already been posted today I apologise but gave me a hearty chuckle. @peterjnixon The Mags have offered Sunderland £3.5M with add ons rising to £6M if they win their Semi Final, for our coach driver who knows where Wembley is!
This may have been posted ages ago, but . . . . A father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by sayinjg, "God bless Mammy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy . . . . it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought that it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mammy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mammy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He thought that if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief, and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think that you had a bad day? You will never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!
One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by last night's events, he goes downstairs to settle the bill. “How was your room sir?" asks the receptionist. “Excellent, I will come back again. What do I owe you?" asks the man. "Well. actually, sir, we are doing a promotional offer. Not only do you not have to pay but we give you £10 as a welcome gesture," says the receptionist. “What?" says the guy, very surprised indeed. "That's amazing." He takes the ten quid and wanders off, debating whether his mates will believe him or not. Needless to say, after a few days he's told all his friends and neighbors about room 13 and the amazing night of passion. The next week one of his mates goes to check out the room. “Room 13 please." “Certainly, sir, here's your key." After he gets in bed, at the same time, 2 o'clock, three girls this time, extremely horny, get in bed and screw his brains out. The next morning, not only does he not have to pay, but he too gets £10. After a month, everyone knows this hotel and especially room 13. Everyone that stays in room 13 gets the same treatment: a good screw and a ten quid After a few weeks, the story reaches the King. The King decides to check the story out for himself. He visits the hotel and asks for room 13. He gets the keys and goes upstairs. After a couple of drinks he gets in bed waiting patiently for the naked girls to appear. Indeed at about 2 0'clock in the morning two naked ladies come to bed. They are as horny and wild as all the stories the King has heard. The King gets his pecker out and screws the both of them all night long. This is the night of his life. Next morning he goes to reception and when he asks how much the bill is, the receptionist says, "Nothing to pay, sir. Actually, we are doing an introductory offer. Here's £50 as a welcome gesture." Curious, the King asks the receptionist, "Well, that's strange. Everyone else who comes here gets £10. Why do I get £50?" "Well, sir," says the receptionist. "This is the first time we've filmed a porn movie with a King in it!"
I once saw one of them being devoured by a fat lass at Newky quayside market, i thought funny place to hide it but it all fitted
Professor Stephen Hawking goes to the doctor and says, "I've been having trouble sleeping recently." "Have you tried going to see a Chelsea Football match ?" asks the doctor. "Because they're really boring?" says the professor. "No, because you might get a game," replies the doc.
As a new year resolution, I decided to try new things. So for my first try, I had a go at songwriting and I wrote a song about a tortilla, well it was more like a wrap
